There are unwritten rules, general consensus made by society. A married woman’s belly is expected to become round with a child after a while. If not, baby watchers and just about any extended family member can give unsolicited advice. If there is a miscarriage or stillbirth, the mother is expected to mourn for a while, then shake it off.
All their lives these women have had titles, they have been tagged daughter, sister, friend and in the last few years, wife. The one title they want is the one that eludes them though- mother. It is the one aspect of life they believe they are failing a- Procreation. It’s funny how the seemingly easy things can suddenly feel like rocket science.
I
It is the 27-year-old lady battling Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). She had expected this, her body putting up resistance. But after all these years, of beseeching it while popping pills regularly, she had hoped for a break. For everything in the universe to align long enough to favour her.
II
For T, there is no known cause, no medical reason why she is unable to conceive. All the tests results are fine, normal. “The doctors say we can keep trying. Take hormonal shots, track my ovulation. Everything feels so scheduled. Spontaneity is a word that is leaving my vocabulary. I am constantly running tests, checking stats, my mother is telling me things, from the mundane to the most ludicrous. More sex talks from my mother… how did I get here??”
III
Two days ago, there was a human growing within you, your own baby, your tiny miracle. You had anticipated everything from the first kick to the first push. You had stocked up on pregnancy books, had bought almost a year’s worth of Folic Acid. When the cramps started by noon you had dismissed it, but it had progressed. The feeling of blood dripping between your thighs is a memory you’re still trying to forget. The helplessness as you squeezed your thighs, begging, praying to all that is considered holy for a chance, Hannah had nothing on you in that moment.
IV
So many unanswered questions. What did she do wrong? She had been religious about antenatal, had eaten everything, read everything, gone for antenatal physiotherapy even when her mother scoffed at the idea. Where was he buried? Whose idea was it for parents to not know where their children were buried? What happens now? Do you still get Maternity Leave for a child that left you? For how long do you
mourn? What happens to all this milk?
In Nigeria, some topics are off the table, to be ignored or discussed in whispers. Our goal is to provide the safe space to express yourself as you heal. These wounds aren’t just emotional and we can only imagine how difficult the journey has been, the pressure from family and friends and all the explaining you’ve had to do.
Dear prospective mothers, we see you. We are reminding you to rest. To own and speak your truth and most importantly to give yourself a break. We are here to listen to your experience and hear you talk about your expectations without judgement. Remember, MANI dey for you.
-Oyinkonsola