no one leaves home unless
home is the mouth of a shark
you only run for the border
when you see the whole city running as well….
no one leaves home until home is a sweaty voice in your ear
saying —
leave,
run away from me now
I don’t know what I’ve become
but I know that anywhere
is safer than here – Warsan Shire.
The day you finally decided to leave started out ordinarily then you probably; had a conversation
with your father, saw a thread online about the express entry pool, were reminded that your hazard allowance is five thousand naira, and the list goes on.
Regardless of the ‘why’ you went down the rabbit hole that is research and Nairaland. Drafted checklists, crossed things out, read, asked a lot of questions, and made a considerable dent in your savings.
As you prepare for your sojourn, nothing readies you for all the obstacles in your way. You are running on a track filled with hurdles and you just cannot get a break. It is the inefficacy of the
academic records office because it has been three weeks and that mail hasn’t been verified. No one mentions how you have to juggle your workload while studying for your IELTS, because those band scores aren’t going to max themselves.
It is the doubt you try to quell when your uncle says “all your effort is to work as a second class citizen, I don’t understand why you are doing this as you have a pretty good job now”. When he ends with “the grass is not always greener on the other side and maybe you should reconsider this ingrained slavery mentality”, you laugh and applaud him on his great AG Baby reference but the joke is lost on him.
Explaining that you have come too far and spent too much to back down is stressful so you go on Nairaland reading success stories, reaching out to friends who took the great leap for reassurance, watching videos of different apartments on YouTube, trying to remain positive.
The result is out and you failed your IELTS. Your friends are rallying round to reassure you that a lot of people write it more than once, remind you to stay positive. You are back at the drawing board, knowing you have to rewrite it, that this is more money than was initially calculated with no guarantee you will pass it the second time around.
Your uncle’s voice is in your head, reminding you that your family is here, you are betting on the wrong horse, you need skills to survive there and a lot of money. Where will you find all that money? Where will you live? You have no friends, and an introvert like you won’t make friend easily.
You are unravelling, you feel the anxiety hovering like a dark cloud- there have been more debits than credits for your savings. Your friends say all you do is discuss leaving, and fun is a word that has left your vocabulary. Everything feels like a giant wave and you have been struggling to swim against the tide but you are drained; mentally, financially, with your work bearing the brunt of it. You are constantly overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all.
Change of any kind can be overwhelming and deciding to leave your home is no small feat. We are here to help you unburden some of those thoughts and ease this very stressful period. Add MANI to your checklist. Reach out today if you need to rant to someone, or you need to ease your anxiety.
-Oyinkonsola