Coping mechanisms are habits formed over a period which serve to help a person manage particular feelings or situations.
Sex is beautiful and amazing, for real. And by sex, I mean, consensual sex. Especially, when the lovemaking process is done by people who know what they are doing – with the strokes, pace and actions. But sex sometimes is unhealthy – when it is used as a coping mechanism.
Now, don’t get me wrong; not all coping mechanisms are wrong/bad. A shy person about to give a speech rehearses over and over and speaks in a certain way in order to alleviate the shyness, that is one coping mechanism and we can’t say it is bad.
As a young male adult, after a breakup in September 2019, I went on a sex spree (otherwise known as rebound sex). I did this to cope with the hurt and pain I felt inside. For those days when I had a “hook-up”, I was able to distract myself from the hurt I felt. Sometimes, I relied on booze. Other times, I relied on the parties and hangouts.
In all, I avoided anything that would require me to face my pain. Truth be told, the breakup hurt badly, hence my decison to act “runaways season 4”, but instead of running from “Pride”, I ran from myself.
Fast forward to February 2020, I got into a relationship, but because of the hurt I didn’t allow myself to deal with, I hurt her in turn – lacked trust, questioned everything, and wasn’t willing to give myself wholly.
This is the aftermath of unhealthy coping mechanisms- they don’t let you face your pain and heal once and for all.
Sometimes, we use sex as a coping mechanism for our self-esteem. I once had a female friend who gained confidence in her body count and her knowledge of sexual activities. Other times, we use it to fill a void left by someone or something (just like I did).
Psychosexual therapist, Dr Thaddeus Birchard once said, “People who identify as sex addicts use sex as a way to cope with life. They use sexual behaviour as an escape from unpleasant feelings—feelings that can be successfully addressed in psychotherapy.”
In essence, using sex as a coping mechanism makes us sex addicts because like pills, we crave it more and more and use it to distract ourselves. And when we do that, we not only hurt the people around us who genuinely love us (because we haven’t fully healed), we also affect our mental and physical health adversely.
If you are going through a hard time or hurting inside or dealing with low self-worth or use sex as a means of manipulation, STOP! You can’t distract yourself every minute of the day, and you should not.
If you are hurting inside, cry – it is an underestimated relief drug. When you are done crying, pick something creative to do. Write if you can, paint if you can, start a vlog if you want to, volunteer if possible. And gradually heal. You deserve to heal.
If sex helps your sex esteem (you are the best strokes master or the most durable person ever), cultivate your self-worth. In the world today, you definitely need more things to feel good about yourself.
If sex is your tool of manipulation, pursue healthier relationships with people who don’t need to be manipulated.
Above all, whatever it is you need sex to cope with, face it head-on. There are other alternatives. And if you can’t seem to deal with the “unpleasant feelings” alone, please seek psychotherapy.
-Olawunmi Olaniyi.