Today, i lost someone to suicide

I lost someone to suicide today.

We were not exactly close. He was my neighbour, you see, but he was the kindest of them all. Yesterday, he saw me struggling with the gate (as I always do), and he came to open it for me (as he always did). He smiled at me as I made my way to my house. I always thought that his smile reminds me of the fact that there are still people in this world that will go out of their way to be kind to you without wanting anything in return. He was exactly like that.

So you can imagine that when I woke up to the news that he had died by suicide, I was a little taken aback. Okay, that is me trying to downplay the effect the news had on me. I was a lot taken aback, and even as my mind began to process it, a voice in my head kept saying, “It’s not true. He probably just slipped into a coma and he’s not dead. He’ll be back home. He’ll be back home.”

That’s what the voice in my head is saying, but the more dominant parts of my thoughts knows that it’s real. He’s gone.

God.

When someone dies by suicide, no one really talks about the people whose lives they have touched. Their family, their friends, the random people they were kind to. No one talks about the thoughts that plague these people’s minds. All the what ifs and could I have done betters.

Ever since I got the news, I have been scanning all the memory I have of him to see if I can find a tell, some kind of inkling as to what might have gone wrong with him. I have come up with nothing so far, and thoughts of him singing out loud while he did his laundry yesterday is hauntingly the most vivid of the memories. The clothes are still outside by the way, waiting for someone who is never coming.

If you have lost someone to suicide, please don’t blame yourself, and don’t be too hard on yourself. Sometimes, you really just can’t tell what is going on in a person’s mind. You can’t tell what personal battles they are fighting, or how hard they are struggling not to break.

It is for reasons like this that we owe it to humanity to be kind to everyone we meet. Some people will test you, naturally, but as much as possible, let’s put kindness forward more than we put the other things. The world is a cruel place and so many people are being broken, even with a smile on their face. We can only do so much to save someone, but we can try, with everything we are, we can try and maybe, just maybe we’ll be able to create more safe spaces for people that need them.

If you are reading this and you are going through something so great your mind can’t seem to bear the weight, please, know that you have more options than suicide. I’m sorry that the world has failed you, I’m sorry that you have been made to have these thoughts, and I’m sorry that you have been made to think that suicide is the only way out. I am sorry humanity has failed you. But, there are still people out here that want to listen to you, people that will offer you a shoulder to cry on, people that will go out of their way to right some things in your life once again. I promise you that. Just…hold on.

MANI is dedicated to listening to you when you feel like your world is crashing down on you. Reach out to us, we are that friend that will always be there to listen to you. Always.

-Lara