After passing out from military training in 2015, I thought I had discovered an escape route from my depression to a new life. I became occupied with work and other social activities. I felt there was no need to explain myself to anyone about my mental health since I will be staying alone and very far away from my family.
After graduating from secondary school I couldn’t immediately get into the university. I enlisted into the Army to get hooked with a 24-hour occupation. The Army is among one of the professions that can keep one occupied all day. What a great opportunity to engage my mind and fight my depression. It’s been almost 5 years since 2010 and this was my best option.
Throughout the training, I did my best to succeed. My aim was to make it out in one piece. I never cared about coming out among the best since all I want is escape not recognition. After 6 months and 3 weeks, I completed my training successfully. No bruises, injuries or pain. I was careful and smart all through the course. I never took any pills or visited the medical center for any pain or sickness. It kept me distracted due to the intensive activities therein.
After the training, I became hyperactive; always busy, taking extra tasks, covering extra shifts and exercising more. I couldn’t care less about being in a relationship since I had found a new addiction. Somehow, I created a way to be busy even after working hours. I felt it was a great way of dealing with my depression since I don’t even have time for myself. Just work and work all through.
Towards the last quarter of 2017, I received my annual leave for the first time since 2015. It was a good time to visit my family. On getting home, I met my course mate who happens to be our neighbor and was also on annual leave from the North East. He was around since 10 days ago; which means he was almost ending his leave. His wife just had a baby girl and I came to visit. We spent time together at his home with his wife the whole day chatting about work, courses, insurgency etc. He offered me a pack of 5alive juice in a glass which I slowly drank as I watched him sip from the bottle of Heineken before him.
He teased me for not accepting alcohol while his wife sat at the edge of the two seater sofa placed at the edge of the room smiling ear to ear each time her husband calls me lightweight. It was the first time in so many years that I sat down with people, smiled and never had to think about work or trying to escape from my illness. He told me that he will be going back by morning. After catching up, we said our goodbyes and I promised to come back to see the baby before going back to the unit even though he would have left by then.
It’s been 3 days since Noble left and didn’t visit like I promised. While I was home watching the Johnsons, my little sister came in bearing the news of Nobles’ death. I was shocked because he left his home just 4 days ago and I wasn’t even sure he had got to his destination. I reached for my jacket and went straight to his house only to find strange faces surrounding his wife. My ears couldn’t pick what she was saying but I didn’t need a prophet to tell me something bad had happened. I stood there for a few minutes, blanked out and confused and couldn’t even go closer to her to offer my condolences. I had learnt he got to his unit only to be killed by mines on their first outing that same morning. Seeing tears in people’s faces, the child lying by the corner and people scattered all over the place, I was out of words. I left the compound without saying a word to anyone.
The scene at Noble’s house brought flashes of old memories to my head. I became mute the whole night. I felt the depression kick in and did not eat nor sleep. The same feeling I was trying to escape just came back, this time worse. The feeling of loss and emptiness circled me. The loss which I’ve bottled up for years flashed through my eyes the whole night. The same feeling I was trying to escape now came back without even a warning. For almost 2 days, I didn’t say a word to any of my siblings. They tried to make fun of my silence like they’ve always done before I left home. They kept saying that my “Village people” had visited me.
I could not get myself to talk to any of them about how I felt. I kept telling myself that we all are going through the same ordeal. We have all lost our Mum, Brother and Niece and our dad shared in our loss too. Why should I even make the death of a colleague about me? I wondered why after almost 7 years since the loss of my mum, brother and niece; the death of a colleague could trigger me? As usual, I kept everything in and couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone, not even my dad knew about my depression which has been going on for years.
I could not handle another day at home with my family assuming that I was just mourning my colleague who just died although it was not their fault that they didn’t know I was dealing with depression. There was about 12 days left in my leave but I could not stay at home any longer. I lied to my brothers that I was needed at work so I will be traveling back to my unit by morning. I tried all I could to snap out of my feelings. It was as if I was covered by a huge dark cloak. Nothing seemed right anymore. I left home back to my unit without even exhausting my pass and spent the rest of my leave locked up in my apartment at the base. I was clouded by the feeling of loss and dejection. A feeling I tried to escape by abandoning my family to join the force.
- By JOY
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