‘I am not a perfectionist; I just need to hold myself to higher standards’- at least that’s what I say when the soft voice in my heads asks me to show self-compassion. Self-compassion involves giving to yourself the kindness you give to others. It involves understanding that making mistakes, falling short on goals, or having bad outcomes based on something you did or did not do, do not take away from you as a person.
Using myself as an example, I often comfort my friends when they fall short of their expectations from themselves. I tell them things like:
“You tried your best.”
“You can’t make the mistake again because you have learned.”
“You are doing the most you can, things will be better soon.”
“You are as awesome as they come, you didn’t miss the opportunity, they missed you.”
“It’s just bad timing, you deserve better”, and so on.
Yet to myself, I use negative words. I insult myself, degrade myself, shame myself, sometimes give myself mental and even physical slaps. Funny enough, I’m not alone in this; so many are in the habit of negative self-talk, refusing to let themselves relax, guilt-tripping themselves etc.
Signs You Are Not Practicing Self-Compassion
It is easy to confuse self-compassion with self-care. Self-care is very distinct from self-compassion. Hence, we may be practising self-care e.g., having a spa day yet we do not regard ourselves with compassion. The signs you are not practising self-compassion include.
- You practise negative self-talk
- You stifle your emotions.
- Food, exercise & taking care of yourself have little to no importance in your life.
- You live in the past or the future, but not in the present.
- You give up on your hobbies.
- You are always comparing yourself to others on social media.
- You prioritize the wrong things in your life.
- You always feel tense.
- You are always comparing yourself to others in real life as well as on social media.
- You replay situations or conversations in your head and wish there had been a different outcome or wonder if you said/did the ‘right’ thing.
- You are your harshest critic.
How to Better Practise Compassion to self
For me, I now start with a simple question; ‘How would I treat a friend’? The answer to this question is what I try to apply to myself. It’s hardly easy to shun the negative thoughts but with practice, I aim to be able to. You also can do this.
Furthermore, you can try to write a constructive letter to yourself from a place of self-compassion about the things you do not like about yourself. Learning to forgive yourself for your errors and learning to spend time doing the things you love, are habits that bring you closer to self-compassion.
- Ebahi