It is another day of fighting; I do not mean that I go out each day to pick a fight- I am referring to this war in my head against my anxiety. Okay, maybe I should tone it down because of those who would say, “you are just an attention seeker, are you the only one going through stuffs?” I do not blame them. They are not living in this body like I am, and they cannot feel the walls caving in.
Oh, I forgot to introduce myself, I am Malika, the girl with social anxiety. I would like to share my feelings with you, perhaps, you could become a little kinder, and try to understand.
Nausea is a permanent reaction when I must meet people. I do not talk in gatherings because I am there thinking about all the things, I could say wrong.
Describing My Reactions, Thoughts and Emotions When Facing Anxiety…
“All these eyes are terrifying. Am I poorly dressed? Do I have something on my face? Maybe it is my sitting position. I should sit upright.”, are the things that go through my head.
No, do not offer me food. I cannot feel my taste buds and will end up throwing it all up.
Stop staring. Can you feel my heartbeat? OMG! You can! Of course, you can, it is so loud, its deafening. Can you hear my thoughts? Oh, my goodness, No, stop staring. Do not say it. No, do not talk to me. Hi, I just blacked out. I warned you.
Did you say something? I am sorry, I zoned out, again.
Do you remember what you said on the XXth of xx, 20xx? Yes, I am still thinking about it.
Malika, can we go to the store today? Today? No way. I am not in the mental space to do that. There are too many people. Once I get to the door, I want to run back out.
Can you close your eyes while I walk past? I am trembling so much it’s hard to walk while your eyes are on me. But you look alright. Yes, I do, but the war is raging—invisible but raging.
I am going to bed now. Oh, wait, I mean, I am going to my room to lie on my bed for hours, desperately waiting to fall asleep. It has been 4 hours? Four hours of waiting. The thoughts will not go away for sleep to take its course. I cannot possibly die in my sleep tonight, can I?
Accepting Myself Was The First Conquest in Fighting Anxiety
All my life, I felt like everyone around me was the opposite of everything I was—carefree, fun, and spontaneous. I wanted to have a little bit of what everyone else enjoys. Now… At this moment, I am thinking of my feet in the sand, the sound of the wave, and the cool breeze hitting in my face. And it is okay. It really is. I have chosen to cope by first embracing the person that I am rather than hating myself for having social anxiety. Anxiety is not the end. I am a champ, and I will be fine. You too can cope with anxiety by learning more.
-Remi Nohoesu.