Understanding Anger: Is it really a bad thing?

Anger is a healthy emotion. It is an intense emotional state accompanied with feelings of discomfort and hostility towards the

cause of anger. It demands expression rather than suppression; a healthy form of expression. If I were asked to create a motto

for how I see anger, I’d say “to love, to serve and to protect”

The purpose of this post is not to teach you how to control your anger, it is for you to introspect so get a sheet of paper and a

pen, grab your journal or open up a new page of notes on your phone or laptop for there are questions to be answered.

What is your relationship with anger like?

“When I am angry, I only see red”

“I don’t let things get to me so I hardly ever get angry”

“I am slow to anger”

“I never get angry. I don’t remember ever being angry”

“I am an angry person”

“I internalise anger. Rather than take it out on the cause of my anger, I blame myself for putting myself in a situation that made me angry”

“I can control my anger”

“I am scared of anger”

Which of those words best describe your relationship with anger? Yours may not be on the list but those are good places to start.

What has formed that relationship?

Here are some ideas:

Care-giving style: You were raised by angry care-givers. They were easy to anger. Mistakes were met with shouts, screams,

beatings or insults. They were passive-aggressive. They gave you the silent treatment and never really expressed their anger.

They even left you guessing and assuming what you may have done wrong. Your care-givers may have been the type of people to

shame anger. Whenever you tried to express your anger, they dismissed it. They were inattentive and sometimes became angry

that you were angry and that earned you a punishment. There was no place for your anger on those streets or maybe there was.

Your care-givers were patient with you when you were upset. They listened and allowed you to express why you were upset.

They taught you how to be angry by telling you what to do when you were upset and lovingly cautioning you when you made

mistakes.

Negative experiences: You remember that time when you were so angry that you pushed your friend on to the floor and beat

them up badly. You remember how uncontrollable that fit of rage was and you fear what would happen if you ever allowed

yourself to get that angry again or every time you get angry and you express it, it never turns out well. Someone or something

gets hurt or broken. It could even be you. 

Positive experiences: You watched people walk away from provoking situations. You saw adults or your mates not strike back

when they were struck rather they took what was considered the high road. You walked away from angry situations and

practised forgiveness afterwards. You read, watched or listened to someone who explained anger to you

The demonization of anger: Your religious belief does not allow space for anger. A believer of this deity or a follower of this way

of thinking can not and should not be angry. Anger is bad, evil and wicked. It could be that you have only seen anger used to

hurt and destroy that you have interpreted it as evil. 

A mask for sadness: Why show hurt? Do you even know that you are hurt? There is no place for experiencing sadness within you

because to say that your feelings have been hurt communicates weakness so you choose anger instead. It is powerful and

forceful. It could even be a mask for old, sore wounds and when triggered, you become a raging beast or a passive-aggressive

sloth.

Think deeply, softly and honestly. It is not a time for judgement just awareness so do not shame yourself or condemn yourself.

Just know yourself. 

 If you care to share what you find, I’d love to hear from you. Send me a mail at [email protected]

-Amanda