By the time you read this, I’d be gone
Not gone gone as in dead, no
But gone as in gone,
No longer here.
Here, where the pain is real
Here, where I’m much too aware of every beat of my ever hurting heart.
I’d be gone before you read this
So I can act up the part you’ve come to know too well
Me, the perfect, strong, brave, young lady you love.
I’d make sure to shed every tear before you read this
So you can see my smiles and love me for who you think I’ve become, a conqueror.
Not the broken me who sits in the bathtub watching my slit wrists as my blood drops on bath water
Not the me who refuses to look in the mirror when you’re not here.
Sometimes, I wonder what I’d see,
If the image has changed
Or perhaps, gotten darker.
By the time you read this, I’d be gone.
Not gone gone but gone
This me, tucked away from the light.
Hidden beneath your warm kisses,
Your tight embrace,
Sucking up every bit of light your presence brings
You’d never read this.
I know this because,
I’d never let you see this side of me
I’d never let you think this low of me
I’d never be that crazy girl you once dated.
You’d never see these broken parts I drag into our bed at night
You’d never discover the stack of needles in my closet
Or your missing shaving blades that now serve as the key to unlock my demons.
By the time you read this, I’d be dead.