On Thursday, 27th May 2021, we hosted a session on the Twitter Spaces Platform as part of our planned activities for Mental Health Awareness month. The focus of this event was on Parenting in Nigeria and in attendance were Eketi Ette, Wakawaka Doctor, Olohuntoyin Alatise with Gbemi Adekoya moderating.
The idea behind this conversation was to delve into how communication and culture can impact parenting in an African context. The conversation highlighted parenting patterns that aren’t ideal and that we have accepted as normal for us, as Africans or Nigerians. All the panelists agreed that the way we raise children is how they act in the society.
Eketi said “I realised that my friends who got more dialogue, more naughty corners, and had their favourite toys taken from them as opposed to being canned, seemed to approach situations differently. They were more confident if I could put it that way. They would always want to find out why something was a certain way. They didn’t just take your word for it. If you told them this thing was bad, they would ask you, why is it bad? And you’d have to explain, as opposed to where I was coming from. If you were told something was bad you ask why it is bad, you’d be told to stand there and ‘ask me rubbish questions’. And you would go away, in your head, you’ve already been told it is bad. So you’ve said it is bad, but you don’t understand why it’s bad. And I could see the difference in communication.”
Gbemi continued – “We parent the way we were parented, however, certain factors can interrupt that automatic cycle and so something else can happen that can make us think about things differently, which I think is a very valid point because if you think about how Nigerian culture typically is, we’re very big on authority and we do as we are told. So if you ask me, a good Nigerian child is a compliant child. Is this a fair generalisation? So when you talk about being a good girl being a good boy, that’s what it means. It means compliance. And so what would then happen is that children grow up believing that they’re good when they do as they are told, and they’re bad when they don’t. So it’s very likely that as you become a parent and raise your own children, you then tend to then think that when your children do not do as they are told, then that means that they’re bad because they are non-compliant. So if you now get exposed to a different point of view that suggests that children are allowed to have an opinion that is different from their parents’ own, it can be a cultural shock the first time you’re exposed to it.”
Gbemi further pointed out – “Nobody knows what they’re doing. In fact, I usually say if you ever meet the parents who absolutely know what they’re doing, they’re very dangerous and I’m worried about their kids. Because part of the ‘not knowing’ is kind of what humbles you and lets you research for information and look for help. And even as a parent with children with different temperaments, I can tell you that I use different styles with each of my different kids based on the situation.”
Wakawaka Doctor said “The parenting style that we use mostly in Nigeria is the authoritarian one, very strict, disciplined. In permissive parenting, communication is more open so that there is space for dialogue. The parents allow the children to decide for themselves rather than giving directions. The onward style is the worst of them all. Here, you don’t care. Whatever they turn out to be is their business. So, I could see your own style and say, ‘Mehn, that’s not the way I want to raise my kids. You’re wrong.’ You could see my own style and say ‘what are you doing?’”.
Explaining how some childhood experiences play a role in our physical and mental health, Toyin said “Adverse childhood experiences are the potentially traumatic things that a child can be exposed to for the first 18 years of their life, and these experiences have a negative impact on their health and their overall well-being. These experiences range from abuse, neglect, then household dysfunctions. Some of the abuse ranges from physical abuse, like you spanking them. Then, there’s sexual abuse too. It might be direct or indirect. The physical neglect we’re talking about is not being able to cater for them as you should; clothing and money to spend, etc. And also, we have psychological neglect. It ranges. The kind of parenting style we adopt will most likely expose a child to adverse childhood experiences. And it might not be direct. It might be them witnessing one of their parents being molested or abused.”
Wakawaka Doctor talked on why parents should be vulnerable with their children. “Growing up, our parents mostly showed us their strengths, and not their weaknesses. That’s why when you come back home and you’re second, your dad is always first. He has never been second. I remember the day I came second, I heard stories. Although that gingered me to do more, I was always scared of placing second. I think that most parents do not discuss or talk through their own struggles with their child to see that there’s a part of life where there are struggles, and there’s a part of life that is just expressed. I think that also has an effect on adulthood as well.” Toyin agreed with him. “I remember the first time I wrote JAMB, and then I came home with 190. I was so pissed, and then my mom had to tell me about her personal experience when she was in school, how she failed two courses. I don’t think anyone ever told me that they were first in my family, but I would always just have the assumption that my parents were geniuses. So when she told me about that I felt ‘Oh, well, so it’s not a bad thing to fail’. So, I absolutely agree with you about letting your child understand that failure is not a bad thing. You can’t always be the best. You cannot always have your As every time. And it’s still okay, just for you to learn from that experience, then do better.”
Eketi buttressing the point said “Just treating children like human beings, because many times we see them as subhumans. Adults treat children like children don’t deserve respect, or children don’t deserve to get their opinions heard, no matter how silly they are, forgetting that we too have silly opinions every now and then. I think that when we look at children as human beings, it’s always easier. For instance, I always knew when my parents had money because they would say, “Oh, I’ve been paid, that’s why we’re going out to the restaurant for a special dinner or lunch.” I always knew when they had money, I always knew when they didn’t have money because they were very clear on it. My father would call you and say, ‘This is what I had to sell’.
On discipline and the thin line between abuse and discipline, Gbemi said “You’re always going to be the expert on your child. Every parent gets to make that decision for themselves. What I, however, can tell you is that every action has a consequence and you have to decide for yourself if the consequence of the action is worth it. I can tell you from my training as a behaviour analyst that consequences change behaviour. Therefore, any action that immediately follows the behaviour can predict what will happen in future. That is why punishment is very effective in modifying behaviour. Because pain teaches people ‘don’t you ever do that again’. However, as a parent, I can also tell you categorically that hitting or beating does not teach replacement behaviour.”
To conclude the session:
Eketi: I think I turned out right. To the extent of my parents’ abilities, I think I did okay. In the areas that I had issues with, now growing up, I found out that sometimes as children, we assumed a lot of things for our parents. We assumed that our parents knew everything. We assumed that our parents would never listen. And as an adult, I’ve learned that going back to have conversations about certain issues has helped. A few years ago, I think maybe three years ago or two years ago, I had to go back to my mother about one particular flogging, because it stuck, and I just couldn’t get past it, no matter what I did. I just remembered that that particular one was just brutal, and I went to her and I said to her, ‘this is what you did to me when I was in JSS three, and it has stayed with me ever since’. And I was surprised, because she said, ‘I’m very sorry I did that to you’. She said she was very sorry, and that the reason she did that was because she was afraid, because, among her friends, their teenage children were going haywire, and she thought, me doing that thing I did mean that I was going to go that way, and she was afraid she was going to lose me. She cried and we hugged each other.”
Wakawakadoctor “Over time, whatever parenting style you decide to use has a long long-standing effect on the kids. Going back to Nigeria, the most used parenting style is the authoritarian one, so you wonder why there’s a lot of anger and low self-esteem. Like Eketi was saying, children raised with the authoritarian style follow strict standards. They do not understand why. There’s no explanation for why. So, the child grows up with a lot of animosity towards the parents, and then the outside world of course, without any reason. So, there’s a lot of anger and of course, you’d also find that such children have very skewed perceptions about society. The style in which we decide to raise our kids is very pivotal in the outcomes generally; what the kids become in the future, what their psyche is made up of, how they see the world.”
Toyin “I always use the concept of giving what you have. You cannot give what you don’t have. Part of having something is to be able to acquire something. So, the type of parenting style which our parents trained us with is most likely what we’ve adopted, even though, now we don’t want to use that. First, you need to unlearn that and be able to learn the one you deem suitable for your use. I am saying that you cannot give what you don’t have. Be that adult that you always wanted as a child.”
This is the fourth of a number of sessions MANI is hosting on Twitter Spaces with support from Bella Naija for Mental Health Awareness Month in the month of May. You can find out more information by going to any of our social media platforms on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.